It was written as a prospective piece for a collaboration with the Dance conservatory.
It goes without saying that it wasn't picked up. Instead they used something much more reasonable.
But I still love this little thing, and I doubt it will see much of a life anywhere else.
So if you can give it a few minutes of your time, you are invited to the
Halloween Costume Slumber Party Murder Mystery
The first guest arrived at the Halloween Costume
Slumber Party at seven. He found Mr. Host’s mansion
much as you would, three left turns, a wavy road, a zig
zaggy road, one road that doesn’t seem to want to make
up it’s mind, and a final sharp turn left, or, directly
under the full moon on the last day of October. He also
found it spooky as all get out. Slanting ceiling, paint
peeling, shingles spilling into the lawn overgrown, the
porch stairs moan and the iron gate’s got more rust
than a really rusty thing. Mr. Heebiji, the first
guest, was welcomed by Mr. Host. He took Mr. Heebiji’s
coat, then apologized and gave it back. There were no
hard feelings. The house was glowing like a
jack-o-lantern with orange lights in every corner and
bats hanging from the ceiling. But it’s okay because
they were paper bats. The rest of the guests arrived
one after another, as guests tend to arrive, and each
brought something to share - Mr. Meow looked like a cat
and had a bowl of milk maid caramel chews. Ms. Daisy
bought a vase of petunias, and was a convincing
mermaid. At least the top half was - and that was as
far as anyone got. Mr. Murderer brought in a dead deer
(with great effort). He came as a teddy bear. Ms.
Terrious came as herself, and brought with her a
general air of mystery. Mr. Sadly was done up as a
zombie, and had a box of microwave popcorn. Butter
blasted, of course.
They sat in the parlor and unwrapped the chews and
chewed and chatted and Mr. Host began to explain the
evening - "Tonight it is Halloween, and I hope for you
all to be spooked, shiver at some point, get a creepy
crawly feeling, high on candy, crash, high on
conversation, crash again, and then feel awkward about
the sleeping arrangements. But don’t get so scared that
you leave. I am extremely lonely. So, so very lonely."
The guests all cheered, yaaaaaay. Except for Mr. Sadly
who by that point had been murdered, and Left in the
foyer, with a very large bump on his head. Ahhhhhhh!
Everybody screamed and "Calm down!" Mr. Host implored
and "Meow" Mr. Meow meowed because he was quite
possibly a cat. In costume yes, but also in the fact
that he was a cat. Mr. Meow is a cat. But nobody knows.
Mr Heebiji was a sad clown in real life, Ms. Daisy a
kindergarten teacher, Mr. Murderer worked in retail,
and Ms. Teerious was something hard to pronounce. Mr.
Host decided not to let the murder be a wet blanket, so
he covered the body with a sheet. They went right to
passing the bowl of brains around! Ewwwww.. And then
the eyeballs! Double ewwwww! And then a bowl of Chex
mix! Aghhhh! Ms. Daisy passed out. Mr. Meow licked her
face until she came to. Then they played truth or dare,
and the first was Mr. Heebiji. He asked "Truth or
dare." and Ms. Daisy said "Truth,of course." and he
asked "Did you murder Mr. Sadly?" and Ms. Daisy said
"No! - I win! I win!" "You do not. Ms. Daisy, you
clearly do not understand the game." Mr. Host said. But
they kept playing and everyone said truth and every one
said they didn’t murder Mr. Sadly. The big question on
everybody’s mind was - whodunit? And they began to
watch their backs, and three episodes of the Twilight
Zone. They went on to play spooky twister, which is
regular twister but with costumes. There was fake blood
and Mr. Meow won. He is surprisingly limber. On to the
den to tell spooky stories!
Mr. Host couldn’t find his flashlight and you can’t
tell a spooky story without a flashlight so they split
up to find it. Ms. Daisy and Mr. Meow searched the
attic together, and almost kissed, but got spooked when
a rat scurried by. Mr. Meow chased the rat. Ms.
Teerious found the flashlight in the kitchen, and Mr.
Host found that Mr. Heebiji had been murdered. He was
in the kitchen with a sizeable butter knife in his
heart and a sizable heart from his butter. Everyone
freaked out. So they told spooky stories. Ms. Daisy
shone the light on her face from below and told a story
about a crab in a wicker basket. Ms. Teerious just
shone the light on her face and that was enough. Mr.
Murderer started to tell his crab story, but decided
against it and told one about a man murdering another
man with a butter knife. It was vaguely familiar.
The police came, and Mr. Host put a hand full of candy
in each of their bags. They were very happy. Everybody
ate candy then! Mr. Host wheeled out a barrow of candy.
A whole barrow full! And they grabbed and they crunched
and they unwrapped and they munched and licked their
fingers and Mr. Meow licked his paws, and they would
move their hands to their faces like a machine and
there was blue candy and red candy and yellow candy and
sweet sour salty bitter candy and even a spicy candy,
what’s up with that? Mountains of candy! Streams of
candy! Fjords of candy! They would forget to unwrap
some candy, but it didn’t matter because they were
eating and eating and eating. Butter fingers, milky
ways, take five, blow pop, tootsie of the pop and roll
variety, milk duds, milk bones, starburst, skittles,
sweet tarts, kitty cat, pixi sticks, jolly ranchers,
roast beef, bazooka Joe bubble gum, thumb tacks, gummy
bears, jelly beans, whoppers, Mr. Meow.
They finished the candy and couldn’t keep the world
from spinning so they spun themselves on the floor and
flailed their limbs like wacky octopuses and they felt
like they were dying. Then they all vomited rainbow
candy colors on each other and it was beautiful. And it
pooled around them and they splashed in it and felt
more at home then they ever had in their entire lives.
They woke up three hours later and Mr. Meow was gone.
Murdered, of course. Then they had a pillow fight. But
it got too rough and feelings were hurt. Then Mr. Sadly
came and played spooky Scrabble with everyone, which is
like Scrabble only spooky. But Mr. Sadly was dead!
Ahhhhhh. He must be a zombie for real.
So Mr. Sadly chased everyone through a hallway with a
bunch of doors and they opened and closed and opened
again, and Shaggy and Scooby found the spooky old
kitchen and made a big sandwich but Scooby ate it
before shaggy could and then the ghost ate the second
sandwich Shaggy made. Then Mr. Sadly caught up to Ms.
Daisy and ate her. Oh no! I liked that character.
After that, Zombified Mr. Sadly solved the mystery. It
turns out that everyone present had stock in Mr. Host’s
offshore drilling company, which was going under.
Water, that is, because that’s where fish are. So Mr.
Host hosted the party for Mr. Meow’s birthday,
disguising it as a Halloween party so that he could
tell the spooky story he has been working on about a
crab. Mr. Heebijibi was murdered by pirates. Ms.
Teerious was murdered by a giant squid. The giant squid
came uninvited, but everyone enjoyed it’s company. Mr.
Meow was mistaken for furry cat flavored candy, and was
eaten to death. Ms. Daisy was mistaken for candy
flavored people and was eaten to death. Mr. Host
married the giant squid and they lived together for
thirty years, and put three adopted squid children
through college.
But the big question was - who murdered Mr. Sadly, and turned him into a zombie? Was it Mr.
Murderer? No, he was too busy murdering the family next door. If you can keep a deep dark secret - I did. I murdered Mr. Sadly. With my fists. Because it was Halloween. And Halloween Costume Slumber Party Murder Mystery sounds awesome. But he's dead now. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I miss Mr. meow. Because he was a kitty cat.
This was hilarious (a fancier word for funny).
ReplyDeleteI want to be invited to the next one!!!